When Pat pledged it seemed like the obvious thing to do. Hanging out at the house offered friendship, a group to belong to, a place to live, and a point of reference for life on campus. There were some aspects of being initiated that were unpleasant, but in the end they seemed worth it. Some of the requirements were worse than Pat expected — more painful and unpleasant than one was led to believe they would be. Some of the older members seemed to get carried away with what they could get away with doing to the newest members. But no one else said anything about it so Pat avoided sharing these feelings of discomfort with others.
Everyone else seemed to think that things were fine, so why rock the boat? Now that it was over, the unpleasantness was in the past — or was it?
What Pat did not know was that many others in the group also felt uncomfortable with some aspects of pledging. For some, it was even worse. There were members from alcoholic families, where violence had been a part of their childhood, and the hazing provided a traumatic reminder of events that they had tried to forget and leave behind when coming to college. There were others who had been bullied or sexually assaulted in high school and middle school, and the hazing brought painful reminders of these difficult moments — feelings that they struggled to hide from themselves and others. In spite of the happy faces and camaraderie, there were those who suffered in silence. And for some, the experience seemed to interfere with their schoolwork so that they were never able to get things back on track. Who knows if this struggle contributed to some members dropping out or leaving school by the end of the year?
What everyone had in common was that no one talked about it — the older members who were uncomfortable with the enthusiasm of those who seemed to get pleasure from causing the new members pain, and the newer members who didn't like some of the things that were done to them but who thought that they were the only ones who minded. What everyone shared was their silence, silence about what they didn't like, and pretending that some things were fun that weren't. In private, many new members were relieved that it was over — a brief but unpleasant price to pay for the benefits of being a member.
The silence of these members is not unusual — most people would react in the same way. It is the same silence that one has when reacting to an obnoxious remark, to a bad joke, to a sister who seems to have an eating disorder, to someone who drinks too much, or to a brother who tries to take things too far with a girl. What all of these situations have in common is that the majority who are uncomfortable with the behavior of the minority are "bystanders" — individuals who don't do anything about their discomfort, who don't know that others feel the same discomfort that they do.
Almost all the problems in everyday life are problems in which there are bystanders who don't do anything. It's sad in a way, because often the bystanders are in the majority, but don't know it.
We are talking about a phenomenon called bystander behavior — why people don't notice the event, interpret it as a problem, or feel responsible for doing something. These are the "stages" of bystander behavior. If you don't notice something, you can't do anything about it. In the story above, Pat put up with the situation but didn't know how damaging it was for others. Or, maybe you notice it, but think that it's not as bad as it seems. After all, do we really know the private pain and suffering of others? Even if we do, is it really our place to do something? But then, what does it mean to be part of an organization and talk about the ideals and benefits of friendship and community if some of our members are suffering in silence?
Think for a moment of the ideals of your organization, ideals that emphasize the importance of values, leadership, doing the right thing — ideals that you share and believe in. According to these ideals, we have a responsibility to "notice the event," "interpret it as a problem," "feel responsible for dealing with it," and "learn the skills necessary to act." If organizations are to fulfill their potential, we must go through these stages ourselves.
We could ask the question — then why don't we? The material in this website is designed to help you realize that there are natural reasons why people are bystanders and don't act when they want to — fear of embarrassment, fear of retaliation, the false belief that others don't think that something is a problem, or that they are not bothered by it — and that these reasons are often based on a misunderstanding of the situation and how others feel. Correcting these misunderstandings is what will help us do "the right thing" and be a friend, family member, even stranger — the person who we secretly want to be, one who lives by her or his values and ideals in a true community and who is a true leader.
In my work, I have learned that you want to do the right thing and that you care about others and the reputation of your organizations, but that unfortunately you don't always act on your concerns. As a result a minority of the members of an organization set a bad tone, create a bad impression, or get the group in trouble. My goal when I have the privilege of working with you is to help you stand up for what is good in your organization and for what you believe in, to help you understand that your concern with the behavior of some members is shared by others, and to assist you in finding constructive solutions to the problem, by understanding that being a true leader is more than making your group look good to the others. And, while we are certainly talking about hazing — one of the many problems that is putting organizations in danger — the information and lessons here can be applied to many situations that are harmful to individuals and organizations — issues of health, justice, leadership, and what it takes to succeed in life.
I know that you joined your organizations for good reasons — because you have ideals, because you value friendship, and because you appreciate the value of community. Remember, you are not alone in your discomfort. If you are not sure about something that bothers you, ask someone in private how they feel about it. Do something.
Alan D. Berkowitz is internationally recognized as an expert in bystander behavior and as one of the founders of the field. His work was the inspiration for the RESPONSE ABILITY Project and has led to his receiving five national awards for his work and scholarship on sexual assault and drug prevention, social justice issues, and bystander behavior. Alan offers workshops and trainings on bystander intervention research, theory and skills. His work and articles can be viewed here.
