I was with a group of friends as we pulled into the parking lot and got out of the car to wait in line to order. As we stepped towards the line, we noticed the entire line staring behind us, watching two men run after each other. As we turn to look, we notice that one individual is beating the other man with a chain. We started to take in what was happening, and noticed that while the man being beaten had fallen down to the ground, the other man was still relentlessly beating him with the chain, into a state of unconsciousness.

My first reaction was disbelief. I couldn't even fathom something like this happening. It wasn't a bad part of town, nor was it extremely late or in a dimly lit parking lot. Instead, there were about 15 people standing in line in a well-lit area, and many more taking advantage of the drive-through, but yet failing to take action to help prevent this situation from occurring.

My second reaction was to ask if someone had called 911. Several of my friends with me also wondered the same question. As we tried asking around, no one seemed to respond. I had never called 911 before, but after the initial shock of actually dialing the infamous 9-1-1 number, I managed to make sure they had police and paramedics on the way to the location. It turns out, after talking with the dispatcher, someone else had called just about 1 minute ahead of me to alert the police to the situation. I felt relieved that I wasn't the first call to emergency services; at least someone else managed to think ahead as well.

The rest of the event isn't nearly as important as the phone calls placed to 911. I did nothing extraordinary. But what popped in my head, as I dialed 911, was that I didn't want to be a bystander. And clearly, someone else, about 1 minute ahead of me, felt the same way. My group of friends all decided that we needed someone to call to seek help, and I happened to have my phone out, so I did.

"Response Ability" isn't always about saving a life, or doing something to make the front page of the local newspaper. Instead, it is a movement designed to help us constantly think about how we can take action to prevent a situation from getting worse. And that is what happened Friday night. Someone else ahead of me didn't want to be like the rest of the people pulling through the drive-thru and more focused on watching the event unfold, than take action to intervene.

If we keep discussing the importance of removing barriers to becoming an agent for change, those around us will know how to act in situations similar to this. The first step others will do is to seek help, or intervene to help prevent a situation from deteriorating. As I told Mike, "it's crazy how after you hear of the RESPONSE ABILITY Project so much, it is what comes in your mind in a situation...it shows the impact it is having."

So keep talking about it, so we can keep having an impact!

As we all hear the word "hero" used from time to time, have you ever asked yourself the question, "What is a hero, anyway?" Since the idea for the Every|Day Hero Campaign came to me last summer, I have asked that question many times. As I inquired into this more, and have spoken to many people about this, others also came up for me:

• Is a hero someone we simply admire, respect, look up to?
• Is a hero some kind of "superhero" with "super powers?"
• Does it take a lot of money and fame to be a hero?
• What's involved in being a hero?
• Can we call ourselves a hero?
• Why do we have such a weird relationship to the word "hero?"

You may have asked yourself these same questions. And we will be exploring this subject more in the future days and weeks on this blog. So, let's start now by looking at the concept of "hero" and "heroism."

While there are many interpretations of what a hero is, the Every|Day Hero Campaign has adopted the definition used by the Heroic Imagination Project:

Heroes are people who transform compassion (a personal virtue) into heroic action (a civic virtue). In doing so, they put their best selves forward in service to humanity. A hero is as an individual or a network of people that take action on behalf of others in need, or in defense of integrity or a moral cause.

Heroic action is:

• Engaged in voluntarily;
• Conducted in service to one or more people or the community as a whole;
• Involving a risk to physical comfort, social stature, or quality of life; and
• Initiated without the expectation of material gain.

When you consider this interpretation, you can really get that heroism is the other side of the coin — the opposite — of bystander behavior. When you voluntarily engage in an activity that is in service to someone else, or the community as a whole, and you take a risk in doing so AND do it without any expectation of material gain: you are a hero! You are not a bystander.

Heroism is not random acts of kindness, as great as they are. Heroism is very distinct. A hero is not someone you simply admire or respect. A hero is a very distinct person. 

Each and every day around us, there are those who need a hero:

• If a child is being bullied at school — or even an adult being bullied at the workplace — they need a hero.
• If someone has had too much to drink and they are about to drive, they — and everyone that their driving may impact — need a hero. 
• If someone is being sexually "hit on" and has not given consent, they need a hero. 
• If a group of students are being hazed — physically, emotionally or otherwise — they need a hero.
• If an inappropriate or offensive comment is spoken, those impacted need a hero.

Now, truth be told, we all want to be heroes. We all want to make that difference in that moment of time that will dramatically impact the situation and even foster change. Keep someone safe. Keep others safe. Stand up for what is right and just. As I travel the country and speak to audiences of hundreds of people — and then have the chance to speak one-on-one with many of them — I have yet to meet anyone that doesn't want this. We all simply desire the ability and the power to act freely and without restraint to make this kind of difference.  

Yes, I know, we all have a really funky relationship to the word "hero." You may notice that it came up for you the second you read the headline to this post. You may think it's narcissistic. Egotistical. Self-promotional. You may even think that it's something to be bestowed on you rather than self-acclamation. 

I also believe that most of us have a very cynical and resigned relationship to heroism. It may come from a time when we tried to be a hero — to take a heroic action — and it didn't go well or have the effect we needed it to. Or, maybe we wanted to be a hero for someone and never took the actions necessary to make the difference. In those moments we make a decision that we can't be a hero — we don't have what it takes. It was a good idea at the time; however, "I must not be good enough to be a hero." And these decisions have been validated by subsequent events ever since we made them. Actually, the older we are, the more evidence we have gathered to prove them true.  

I get it. I really do. I have just as much evidence as you do that I am not a hero — and can't be. "Why even try, right?"

I am on this journey with you and I invite us all to stay in this conversation and explore it together: "How can I be a hero?" Better yet, "how can I prepare and equip myself to be a hero in those moments in life that demand it?"

I am committed that we all create a new and inspiring relationship to being a hero and allowing others to be heroes for us. Let yourself be empowered by the opportunity it is to make this kind of difference. This very commitment is the driving force of the Every|Day Hero Campaign.  

Think of a time someone was a hero for you and how you have never forgotten that person for what they did. You have never gotten over their courage and their actions — for you.

Think of a time when you were able to make this kind of difference for someone else. What did it feel like? What was that experience like? I promise, if you allow yourself to really experience this, you will be inspired — by yourself!

My challenge to all of us: be a hero vs. be a bystander!

Be an "everyday" person willing to keep your eyes, ears and heart open "every day" to any opportunity that may demand heroism. 

I invite you now to commit to this by taking the pledge in the box on the right side of this page.

I thank you for taking this on. Really! I thank you for being the kind of person even willing to make this kind of commitment and hold yourself accountable for fulfilling it — for others, for organizations, and for issues you care about.  

This will allow all of us to live extraordinary lives making the difference we all want — and need — to make.

Get involved. Stay engaged. Be an Every|Day Hero!

Physical Hazing & Death

The latest in a long string of hazing deaths occurred at Florida A&M University in November of 2011, when a drum major was beaten to death running a gauntlet on the bus, following a performance by the famed "Marching 100."  It is gratifying that the media seems to be taking the issue more seriously following this death than they have many others.

Perhaps the increased attention is because this tragedy happened to a band member rather than another "frat guy." It has raised awareness that this is a problem which extends beyond the fraternity/sorority community. Research has told us this as well, with data suggesting the highest levels of hazing occur in athletics, followed closely by Greek life, but also including a wide variety of student groups such as performing arts (including music and theater groups), rec sports, and even religiously affiliated student groups.

Some of the most visible recent hazing incidents have occurred outside of the college realm altogether in high school and professional athletics and the military. Two highly reported suicides among military personnel have taken place in the past few years. Additionally, this is not just a U.S. problem. A study about the Russian military suggested that recruiting problems were not related to fear of death or time away from family, but rather fear of extreme hazing. 

Additionally, a number of fraternity deaths have been recorded in the Philippines in recent years, and Korean middle school hazing has also made the media. "Ragging" has long been reported in India, including a prominent news story of the death of a medical school student from this practice a few years ago. 

Emotional Hazing

While the death or physical injury of anyone due to hazing is always a tragedy, there is another side to this problem that we almost never hear about, and when we do, we often don't take seriously. A famous high school cheerleader hazing case in Texas got widespread media attention a few years ago. The mother appeared on a national morning news show visibly upset at the emotional trauma that her daughter had experienced as a result of having her hands and feet duct taped and being thrown into a pool (she was told she was being thrown off a cliff into the river below). When shown video of the mother’s tearful account of the emotional toll this had on her daughter, the perpetrators laughed. 

This reaction is perhaps why most people don’t share the emotional impact hazing has on them. Being able to "take it" is one of the hallmarks of hazing from the perpetrators' perspective. If you can't, perhaps you aren't good enough to be one of us. Victims of hazing know this, and their shame at appearing weak keeps them from revealing the emotional toll the hazing has had on them. (For more about this, download the 2011 National Hazing Prevention Week Resource Guide and read The Hidden Harm of Shame.)

If an individual has a trauma in their background, the impact of hazing can be even greater for them. As new students to an organization — as hazing victims often are — little is known about them at the time they are hazed. Without realizing it, perpetrators can re-traumatize someone bringing out PTSD-type symptoms if victims have had any of the following types of experiences: sexual assault, addiction, abuse, military service, abandonment, violence, serious illness, mental health issues, grief, etc.

Because shame and self-blame prevents individuals from sharing these types of stories, the perception of hazing by the public is that it ONLY includes serious physical harm. Therefore, acts of humiliation, degradation, embarrassment, harassment and ridicule mostly escape the hazing label, and aren't taken as seriously. It is certainly a tragedy that dozens of people have been killed in hazing incidents over the years, (close to 100 according to the records kept by Hank Nuwer) but the tragedy of so many of the hazed and bullied feeling ashamed is just as significant. Because it is hidden from our view, we don't know how far-reaching it is, nor do we consider the negative impact it has on our society. We should. 

Follow this link for more about the concept of Hidden Harm, and videos on the subject. 

Conclusions

Students rarely think they are going to kill someone, but being exposed to the idea that they might emotionally scar someone for life is often sobering. It is only through bringing these issues to light and discussing them openly that we will begin to more fully understand the impacts of hazing in our society. Hazing should be a focus on our campuses and society year-round, and not just during National Hazing Prevention Week or after a tragedy occurs. These events can certainly present opportunities for discussion and awareness that should be utilized, but can't be the only time we discuss the problem if we hope to find solutions.

What You Can Do

Educate Yourself. The more you know, the more prepared you will be to discuss the issue when the opportunity arises. There are many resources on the HPO website, and a growing body of research about hazing, including books and academic studies. Read these materials and share them with others.

Talk About it. One of the most important things we can do to eliminate hazing from our society is to talk about it. Hazing is often shrouded in secrecy. Victims are threatened about what will happen to them if they talk, and part of the hazing is often separation from outside friends and family. By opening up the conversation with others in our circle, we let them know our positions and gain allies. We understand why hazing persists and how others view it, which gives us a richer perspective on how to deal with it. If you have a personal story about how hazing has affected you, share it in your community or more publicly on our website. These stories have a profound impact on people's perceptions of hazing.

Take Action. There are many avenues open to us to deal with hazing. The important thing is not continuing to be a bystander, watching it happen, but doing nothing. From educating yourself and others to reporting a problem, to beginning a discussion among your friends, serving on the NHPW planning committee or other task force or telling your story, choose the actions that feels most comfortable to you. Challenging hazing and hazers directly can be dangerous physically and/or socially. Build a group of allies before taking action that may put you in peril.

Tracy Maxwell is the founder and Executive Director of HazingPrevention.Org. She has been working in and around higher education for 20 years. Her intention is that through sharing our personal stories, we can begin to feel less ashamed, disconnected and alone, and recognize the power we have to prevent and address hazing in our communities.

Every year, this evening is filled with such joy and excitement. As I watched the fire ignite and cheered for our team in the "Yell Like Hell" dance competition, I couldn't help but smile nostalgically, realizing it was my last collegiate bonfire. I loved seeing all the school spirit; groups in costume, fraternities raising their flags, cheerleaders stunting in front of the fire, everyone in green and white — these are the moments my mother told me I would remember for the rest of my life. I most certainly do.

"Carry her coat," I heard behind me as we got closer to the fire site.

Like I said, I was more excited that year marching in the spirit parade as a member of a Greek organization. I had been the colonizing president for 7 months and every part of the experience had been wonderful, though Homecoming had been the most intense. With dance practices (mostly just watching for me) and float building every night, not to mention classes and officer meetings, my schedule was packed, but I enjoyed getting to know the fraternity members of our team partners throughout the preparation process. I got to know some of the new guys pretty well. I think we connected because it was all our first time with the Homecoming experience.

I remember sitting on a large tree log in the back yard one evening. In a conversation with one of the new members of a fraternity, I asked why he wouldn't sit down with me. "We're not allowed to sit on the log until after initiation. You can bet it's the first thing I'll do, sit on that log and walk through the front door of the house!" All pledges of the chapter couldn't use the front door; they had to walk around to the back. It didn't make much sense to me, but what did I know?

"Hold that flag higher, pledge."

It was always a struggle to get a good spot to see the competition at the bonfire, but I jumped on a bale of hay that had been set out to create different sections of the crowd. Behind me was one of the fraternity new members, proudly carrying his chapter colors. Every now and then I would feel the banner brush the top of my head. "Hold the flag straight, pledge," I repeated to the guy behind me. We laughed, and he raised it higher.

It sounded so harmless, yet I can still remember feeling discomforted after I said it. It didn't seem right, but "that's not hazing." I brushed it off and posed for pictures with my friends and sisters. By the end of the night, the fraternity's new members' arms were full of coats and purses. They followed their brothers around, hanging on every word, every direction. Any strange feelings I had melted away as we were handed the first place trophy. We were so proud!

Fast forward about five months. I continued to grow friendships with those fraternity men. Many of them would be sure to say hello when they stopped by the Greek Life Office where I had worked the last few months. The week after their initiation, one of my favorite new guys came by. He walked into my office and closed the door. He told me he had just got back from driving all night with two brothers to his fraternity's headquarters. "They'll be here later today; they're going to interview every member of the chapter."

I had never heard about this kind of thing before, so he proceeded to tell me the reasoning for this membership review. I was horrified to learn about the real actions that were taking place. He and his brothers were being kept in closets for hours on end. They were forced to take shots if they answered incorrectly to a question about their fraternity history. The new members performed calisthenics until they could barely move. They were kept up all night doing these things — earning their letters. The list of atrocious behaviors went on, and I'm afraid got worse. By the end of the conversation I felt sick. I feel sick as I write this now.

It never takes long for word to spread in a Greek community, especially when one of the largest chapters on campus is cut down to less than half of its members. It all became a blur as their secrets came to surface. It was my first encounter with hazing but I hadn't recognized it.

It wasn't until Mike Dilbeck came to campus 2 years later that I fully realized what had happened. As he began his speech he encouraged the audience to relate a real moment from our lives to recognize what it meant to be a bystander. I guess that's why this sticks with me so strongly; it didn't take long to remember laughing with that new member as he hoisted the flag higher. Now a Graduate Assistant for Greek Life, I hung on every word Mike said. As I learned about the barriers to intervention the reasons became clear why the new members had suffered through this. I, along with many others had been a witness — a bystander — and did nothing.

I vowed that night to never be a bystander again.

After learning the barriers to intervention it became easier to speak up. It's never a comfortable feeling, but trust me when I say it doesn't feel half as bad as not saying anything at all. I can now recognize and feel in my very core when something needs to be said. I have a physical reaction, probably the same one you get when you know something's not right. I am now a Level I Facilitator of the RESPONSE ABILITY Project and have taken the pledge to be an Every|Day Hero.

My life's motto is to leave every place better than I found it, including the people around me. I take every opportunity possible to educate others about bystander intervention and teach them about being an Every|Day Hero.

It's not just a passion.  It's a conviction. And it has absolutely changed my life.

Most heroism is performed by ordinary people in ordinary situations. However, heroism is anything but ordinary. When confronted with a situation that calls for a hero, most people refuse the call. There are a myriad of reasons for this, many of them explained by the Bystander Effect. There might be a discomfort in rocking the social boat.

Take discrimination.

Treating someone poorly because they are different is a common, but abhorrent behavior. It is allowed to be common because so few people stand up to it. Sure, there are court cases to sue against discrimination in the workplace and there are loud and visible campaigns to combat it in general life. However, in small groups, one rarely sees a hero combatting discriminatory acts.

In most circles, there is a stigma attached to racism — a form a discrimination. In most circles, it simply does not show its head. Due to this stigma, calling out someone's racist commentary or actions rarely rocks the boat. The social risk is reduced because you can be sure someone will back you up.

If only it was social suicide to discriminate against redheads, homosexuals, or atheists. Many people around the world suffer from discrimination because they are different. And because there are not enough heroes — that is, there are too many bystanders. Too many people worried about their social capital. Will they upset their friend? Will they be targeted next?

Your reaction to discrimination, whether it be through words or actions, is of vital importance to those around you. To help you take the heroic route, consider the following questions, aimed at reducing the pressure to stay silent:

• What terms, behaviors, or phrases do I use that are discriminatory?
• What terms, behaviors, or phrases do my friends and colleagues use that are discriminatory?
• Do I know someone that has stood up to discrimination? What did they do? How did others respond?
• What have I seen on TV (ads or programs) that is discriminatory?
• Do I belong to an organization that discriminates?
• Do I vote for a politician that is openly discriminatory?

In asking these questions, follow them through to the end. Ask yourself why. Ask yourself what you could have done. Ask yourself what you could do next time. In doing so, you will be preparing yourself for heroism.

There's no better pursuit than that.


The Hero Construction Company builds heroes in K-12 schools. Through a series of in-classroom presentations, students are taught the basics of heroism and given practical advice on how to live heroically.  Contact Matt to build heroes at your local school.

Read about what it means to #BeThePerson by following this hashtag on twitter or checking out Phired Up's new book: Social Excellence: We Dare You

And most of us have let a person who is impaired get behind the wheels of a car to drive. Some of us have even gotten in the vehicle with them — thinking all the time, "They really shouldn't be driving!". Yet, way too often, we don't fulfill the urge we have to intervene and prevent this person from endangering themselves, us and others.

Here are 11 valuable tips from StepUp! — a bystander intervention program from the University of Arizona — on what to do with an impaired friend, family member, or stranger:

• Plan ahead — set a limit BEFORE going out.
• Encourage them to stop drinking (or take their drink away) when they've had enough.
• Stay with them to ensure they will be all right.
• Remove them from the situation.
• Get them to consume non-alcoholic beverages first.
• Get them to alternate between non-alcoholic and alcoholic drinks.
• Get them to sip rather than gulp if they are drinking alcohol.
• Have them consume food while drinking alcoholic beverages.
• Tell them not to drink while taking medication.
• Tell them to avoid taking aspirin if they have been drinking. (DO NOT take Tylenol or other Acetaminophen medication for a hangover; liver damage may result!)
• Never discuss problematic behavior when the person is under the influence.

This is one of the most critical ways we can all be a hero — for the person impaired and anyone else their impairment may impact.

*The statistics used in this post were obtained from MADD — the full document can be downloaded here.

Adverse (or Disparate) Impact

A term used to describe a substantially different rate of selection in hiring, promotion, transfer, training or in other employment decisions, which works to the disadvantage of the members of the protected group or gender.

Affected Class

One or more employees, former employees, or applicants who have been denied employment benefits because of discriminatory practices and/or policies by an employer, its employees, or agents.

Affirmative Action

A set of specific and result-oriented procedures to which an employer makes a commitment to apply a good faith effort for achievement of established goals. Specifically, any program, practice, or activity which is designed to do any or all of the following:

• Remove artificial barriers to the employment of any protected group or category of persons
• Eliminate non-job related personnel practices or to increase the job relatedness of current personnel practices
• Enhance the opportunities of subparity groups to compete for employment within the organization

Anti-Semitism

Hostility toward or discrimination against Jews as a religious, ethnic, or racial group.

Availability

Refers to the percentage of minorities or women in a specific geographic area who have the requisite skills or who are capable of acquiring the requisite skills necessary to perform a particular job.

Bridge Class

A job classification specifically designed to provide training or experience which will facilitate advancement from one type of occupation to another that has greater advancement opportunities.

Business Necessity

Justification for an otherwise prohibited employment practice based on an employer's proof that: (1) the employment practice is essential for the safety and efficiency of the business, and (2) there is no reasonable alternative with a lesser impact on protected classes.

Disability

Any physical or mental impairment which substantially limits one or more major life functions; such as caring for one's self, performing manual tasks, walking, breathing, seeing, hearing, learning, or working. This term includes but is not limited to diseases, physical conditions, and learning disabilities.

Disabled Individual

A person is considered to have a disability if he or she has a mental or physical impairment that substantially limits one or more major life activity (e.g. seeing, hearing, speaking, walking, breathing, performing manual tasks, learning, caring for one's self, or working.)

Discrimination

An act that is committed on the basis of prejudice or bias. Unlawful discrimination generally refers to any employment practice or decision that intentionally or unintentionally results in the unequal treatment of an individual or group on a basis of their protected status (i.e. age physical ability/qualities, age, ethnicity, gender, race, and sexual orientation).

Disparate (or Differential) Treatment

A theory of discrimination in which an individual is treated less favorably than his/her similarly situated peers because of gender, race, etc.

Diversity

The range of dimensions which describe human differences. The primary dimensions of diversity are age, physical abilities/qualities, ethnicity, gender, race, and sexual orientation.

Environmental Racism

Addresses the fact that poor people, but specifically communities of color, are disproportionately impacted by pollution, waste disposal, hazardous sites, resource depletion, and natural disasters.

Equal Employment Opportunity

Refers to a body of laws which requires all employers to allow all persons to work and advance on the basis of merit, ability, and potential without regard to race, color, religion, national origin/ancestry, age (40 and above), marital status, gender, disability, certain medical conditions, sexual orientation, or other unalterable condition.

Ethnic Group

Individuals classed according to common traits, traditions, and customs. The ethnic group which most closely reflects the individual's recognition in his/or her community should be used for reporting purposes.

Goals and Timetables

Quantitative and qualitative goals which are flexible and are to be achieved within the framework of equal employment opportunity and affirmative action. Quantitative (numerical) goals represent a commitment to achieve gender/ethnic balance at all levels in the workforce within a certain time period. Qualitative goals represent a commitment to remove causes of under-representation and eliminate all personnel policies, procedures, and practices which are not job-related and have an adverse impact on the employment and retention of protected classes.

Islamophobia

Refers to unfounded fear of and hostility towards Islam. Such fear and hostility leads to discriminations against Muslims, exclusion of Muslims from mainstreams political or social process, stereotyping, the presumption of guilt by association, and hate crimes.

Job Group

A group of job titles categorized together based on similar job content, experience, preparation, wage rates, and promotional opportunities.

Labor Force

Generally defined by the US Department of Commerce as all civilians 16 years old and over who were employed at the time of the Census, or who were unemployed but looking for work, or available to accept a job.

Managing and Valuing Diversity

Recognizing and appreciating that individuals are different, that diversity is an advantage if it is valued and well managed, and that diversity is not to be simply tolerated but encouraged, supported and nurtured.

Minority

Those people who are protected by State and Federal law as a member of the following groups: Black, Hispanic, Asian or Pacific Islander, and American Indian or Alaskan Native.

Non-Job-Related Barriers

Employment requirements and practices which are not significantly related to job performance, i.e., non-merit factors in the selection process.

Outreach Recruitment

A concentrated effort by an employer to attract applicants from those groups which are underrepresented in a given job classification or category. A desired result of such recruitment is a diverse group of applicants who must then compete on an equal footing with all other applicants.

Present Effects of Past Discrimination

A theory of discrimination in which a present practice, most commonly a seniority system of one form or another, perpetuates past discriminatory practices.

Protected Class

Classes or groups of people protected by the Federal and State Equal Opportunity Laws. Examples of these classes and groups are Blacks, Hispanics, Asians, American Indians, women of all races, persons with disabilities, disabled and Vietnam-era veterans, people who are age 40 and above, and a person's actual or perceived sexual orientation.

Reasonable Accommodation

An adaptation or adjustment made by an employer which enables an individual to perform the job. An accommodation is reasonable if it does not impose an undue hardship on the employer's business. An employer is expected to make a reasonable effort to accommodate individuals with disabilities as well as those whose religious beliefs would otherwise prohibit them from performing the duties of the job. Reasonable accommodation can include, but is not limited to changing the job duties, changing the work shift, accommodating to schedules, relocating the work area, and providing mechanical and electric aids. However, the employer is not required to provide the exact accommodation requested by the employee, to create a new job, or lessen the standards for performance of a job.

Religious Discrimination

An employment rule or policy that requires an individual to either abandon a fundamental precept of his/her religion or to relinquish an employment opportunity. Employers are required by law to make reasonable efforts to accommodate religious needs of the employees and applicants.

Sexual Harassment

Unwanted sexual advances, or visual, verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature. Sexual harassment often includes making or threatening reprisals after a negative response to sexual advances or offering employment benefits in exchange for sexual favors. "Hostile Work Environment" sexual harassment is generally behavior that unreasonably interferes with a person's ability to perform their job and does not necessarily involve employment benefits.

Subparity Group

Any protected group having significantly lower representation in a particular occupational category or job classification than its level of availability.

Systemic Discrimination

Employment policies or practices that serve to differentiate or to perpetuate a differentiation in terms or conditions of employment of applicants or employees because of their status as members of a particular group. Such policies or practices may or may not be facially neutral, and intent to discriminate may or may not be involved. Systemic discrimination, sometimes called class discrimination or a pattern and practice of discrimination, concerns recurring practices or continuing policy rather than an isolated act of discrimination.

Underrepresented

Having fewer protected class employees in a job classification than would be reasonably expected by their availability in the relevant labor force.

Workforce Diversity

A workforce that consists of individuals who bring different experiences and perspectives to the workplace and who have distinctive needs, preferences, expectations, and lifestyles. Employees represent differences that are associated with such characteristics as ethnicity, gender, age, sexual orientations, and disabilities. Other differences include nationality, cultural heritage, personal background, functional experience, and position in the organization.

The above list was compiled and published by DoSomething.org — using the power of online to get teens to do good stuff offline.

Don't judge

Whatever you do, you should never make judgments or statements such as, "You are always drunk," or "You're an embarrassment." While these statements seem cruel and harsh, people tend to make these statements in the heat of the moment or otherwise. Instead, use "I feel" statements instead of "you are" statements. This way, you are articulating the way their behavior impacts you.

Seek out support

The instant you realize that your friend or family member may have a problem, you should get in touch with the appropriate resources that can assist them. Remember, you are not a substance abuse or mental health professional. Your job isn't to make a diagnosis; rather, it is to gather helpful resource information and present it when the moment is right. Resources such as counseling services and alcohol/substance abuse prevention services are a good place to start.  I suggest consulting the internet for valuable resources.  Be sure and do your homework -- not every service out there is reputable and certified.

In their time

We've all probably heard the saying, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make 'em drink." Well, the same is true for people, no matter how much we want someone to change or would like to help someone; they have to be willing to. It is not our decision. The best thing you can do for your friend or family member is to provide them with the necessary help, to listen, and be as supportive as possible. It's never easy to watch someone go down the wrong path, but as a supportive friend you can't force them, attend their pity party, or blame yourself. They will make the right decision when they feel the time is right.

Unfortunately, alcohol and substance abuse is a big problem. It would be to your benefit to get acquainted with the appropriate resources should the problem arise. It's not a matter of "if" there will be a problem; it's a matter of where to go in order to solve the problem. Prevention is the best cure.

A possible scenario

Here's the situation: You are at a social gathering and your friend has had way too much alcohol. So much so that they are not only making a fool of themselves but people are beginning to feel uncomfortable. As their friend and a bystander, what do you do? The following tips below will give you some helpful advice on how to diffuse the situation and reduce conflict/drama:

• First things first

Any person who has had too much to drink should be taken care of. How you go about assisting them will depend on different circumstances such as where you are, how much they've had to drink, and if they have had any combination of other drugs (illicit, over the counter, or prescription).

If you have also been drinking, you also want to consider if you are equipped to help out your friend. If you are not, the best thing that you can do is find someone who is sober enough to make the most responsible decision. If you think that there is any chance that the situation may be worse than expected, you should call 911. Regardless of the intoxicated person's attitude toward your decision, it is always better to play it safe.

• Be a snitch, be a friend

As a bystander, you may not be prepared to physically remove the person out of the situation. Perhaps they may get verbally or physically abusive. If this is the case, it is in your best interest to call the police or authorities if you feel like someone could get hurt (including the person who is intoxicated). I would utilize this option if you have tried other options like taking them somewhere else or pulling the person aside and talking to them.

Being a snitch is not considered "cool," especially if you are part of an organization. However, if you think things may get violent, it may be in the best interest of all parties involved to call the police. Besides, police officers are professionally trained to handle such situations. Believe it or not, things (especially when alcohol is involved) can quickly get out of control.

Yes, contacting local/campus authorities is not the multiple choice answer that you would pick in this particular scenario. However, you should always be mindful of the worst-case scenarios that can really get out of control. If you want to be a responsible friend, the best thing to do is to defuse it before it gets out of control. It could mean the difference between life and death. 

While they may not realize it at the time, you are being a hero for them and their life.

The above has been adapted from blog posts written by Tawan Perry on the CampusTalkBlog.

Most students in clubs, student government, fraternities and sororities, or on athletic teams would probably agree that the majority of their group members are responsible, hard-working students and that their organizations contribute positively to their campuses and communities.  At the same time they would also probably tell you that sometimes their organizations are unfairly stereotyped or receive an undeserved reputation and that much of the good they do is overlooked.  If this is true, what can we do about it?  How much of our reputation is deserved and to what extent can we have control over how others see us?

My own experience with student organizations — fraternities, sororities, athletics, clubs, bands, student governments, etc. — on hundreds of college and university campuses confirms my belief that the overwhelming majority of students are good citizens who care about their peers and act in responsible and healthy ways.  This belief is confirmed by data from national and individual campus studies.  Why then the lack of appreciation and negative reputation?    

When our organizations do not receive appreciation for their good work, or are seen negatively in an unfair way, it is usually due to the very public and very problematic behavior of a minority of members.  This minority of men and/or women visibly misbehave, leading others to judge our organizations in a way that is unfair to the silent majority.  Can we do anything about this?  The answer is yes — we can improve our reputations and also make our organizational culture more positive and healthy by responding differently to the members who create a negative perception.  In other words, we can stop being bystanders — stop "standing by" — and instead find ways to respond and intervene that are responsible, respectful, and consistent with the values and traditions of of our group.  In other words, we can "transform our values into action" by accepting our responsibility to learn "response ability."
 
This blog post will provide a brief outline of bystander behavior and some of the barriers to overcome it and introduce an important resource to help college students do the right thing — a DVD package titled, "RESPONSE ABILITY: Transforming Values into Action," for which I am the expert consultant.  RESPONSE ABILITY features a group of men and women students discussing bystander behavior and inspiring each other to do the right thing, along with a demonstration of role plays led by myself and includes a small book titled "The Complete Guide to Bystander Intervention." While some of the examples focus on the Greek community, the majority of the discussion is more general and would be applicable to other student groups..

Let's consider the following example about a male student:

When Tom has had too much to drink he is obnoxious to women.  This usually happens when he and his friends go out drinking.  While they disapprove of his behavior, no one does anything to stop it, and some think it is humorous and tease him.  What they overlook is what others say about their group as a result of Tom's actions.  This contributes to a negative reputation.  In short, the "silent majority" allows one individual to generate negative publicity for all.

If you ask members if they have anyone like Tom in their group, they may smile and you can almost see the names appearing in their mind.  If you ask men if there is anyone on their team, in their club, in their residence hall, or in their chapter who is prone to take advantage of women sexually, behave irresponsibly when drunk, cause damage to property, or engage in a destructive prank, one or more names usually come to mind.  We could think of similar examples for women — someone with an eating problem, a woman who behaves seductively and wild when drunk, or someone who engages in malicious gossip, etc.

A similar argument could be made about initiation and hazing rituals, negative publicity from t-shirts and flyers that objectify women and other groups, irresponsible public behavior, etc.  Each one of us can think of our own examples.  Unfortunately, there are many examples even though they are not representative of the majority of students.

These examples may not pertain to all groups and situations, and perhaps the examples are somewhat stereotypical.  Yet the pattern itself is generic.  When a group has a negative reputation it is usually due to the problematic behavior of a minority of members — whatever the behavior, whatever the reaction — and is not representative of the group as a whole.   I believe that 90% of a bad reputation could be eliminated by responding effectively to problem behavior.  This would help others see us accurately as caring and constructive community members and eliminate the negative advertising that undermines the good work that we do. 

Acting on such concerns is not easy and there are many challenges.  The RESPONSE ABILITY DVD shows college women and men discussing each of these challenges.  Most people want to respond but may not do so for five reasons:  social influence, audience inhibition, diffusion of responsibility, fear of retaliation, and misjudging how others feel about the situation.   So, if you don't do something because you think that someone else will, are afraid that you might embarrass yourself (or someone else), suffer retaliation (violence, gossip, teasing, etc), think that someone else will probably do something or assume that no one else thinks it is a problem, then you are a typical bystander. 

In fact, these concerns may not be real.  In other words, your fellow group members may also be concerned, but are afraid to show it.  They may respect and appreciate you if you do something.  Like you, they may be waiting for someone else to do something.  Actually, all of us need to take responsibility for doing something, and for supporting and appreciating others who do.  The DVD and the book show ways to respond that are respectful, low-risk, and easy to learn.

It is also true that in some cases a negative reputation or image can be due to external factors.  For instance, societal prejudices towards a particular group may lead others to misjudge them and stereotype them.  It is therefore important to evaluate the basis for a negative reputation and realize that in some cases the explanation may be external. Yet, it is always good to look at ourselves objectively and analyze what, if anything, we are doing to create it.

Often we are told that we "hold the future in our hands."  This may be literally true because by learning bystander RESPONSE ABILITY we can reduce problems that give a negative reputation to college students in general and to specific groups in particular. 

In the words of a fellow student, "So what I hope for you is that you're part of the solution, that you no longer stand by and watch things happen, but you stand up and say what you believe in, because that's what it means to be a leader, that you’re a strong, confident person who can stand up for what you believe in."

I, too, hope that you will make an effort to increase your bystander "response ability" in whatever way you can: by seeing the RESPONSE ABILITY DVD, reading the book, or in other ways. 

Thank you for the leadership that you provide.

NOTE:  This post is a revision and expansion of an essay titled "Promoting Health and Reducing Harm in Our Chapters" that was published in the Fall 2005 issue of the Fraternal Risk Management Trust Newsletter.

Alan D. Berkowitz is internationally recognized as an expert in bystander behavior and as one of the founders of the field.  His work was the inspiration for the RESPONSE ABILITY Project and has led to his receiving five national awards for his work and scholarship on sexual assault and drug prevention, social justice issues, and bystander behavior.   Alan offers workshops and trainings on bystander intervention research, theory and skills.  His work and articles can be viewed here.

Dear Engaged Bystander: 

For more than a year, I focused my writing of a bystander blog on preventing sexual violence. I hope to now offer an equally compelling argument for us to extend bystander intervention AFTER the abuse has been perpetrated.

When someone discloses sexual abuse, the people around them often respond in fear and in anger. If it is their child, family or friend who is victimized, that anger can turn to rage. If we read or hear about the trauma but we don't know the victim, then our response may be to isolate ourselves from the people and the pain with the singular thought of "keeping myself, my child, my friends, my family safe."

How do fear, anger and rage help us listen to what a victim needs? How does our rage help us do whatever is necessary to keep the victim safe?   (I do recognize that it does help to create public policy...) Although the anger and rage may feel right, are they really helpful in our attempts to hold someone accountable for their actions? It is hard to be truly vigilant when we are enraged. And the isolation created by "keeping myself, my family and my child safe" may be our first instinctive response, but we can't stop there. If we do, listen to the rest of the sentence:  "I don't care as much about YOUR child, or your friend, as long as mine is safe..." It sends the message that we were powerless to prevent the abuse and equally powerless to stop any future abuse. That is NOT a message I want to send to anyone.

During one of my workshops, a leader in the tribal community compassionately said to me, "The problem with you white people is that you would cut off your head if you could do get rid of a headache. You can't do that with headaches and you can’t do that with sex offenders. They are a part of our community." I will never forget these words and I still struggle in a good way with how to apply them in my own communities.

I KNOW that our first response must always protect the victim. But if we stop there, it is clearly not enough.  Like a stone that is thrown into a pond, we need to follow the ripples outward. We need to take a systemic look at a situation which means that we need to not only protect the victim, but we also need to ensure that each victim has the resources to heal. 

Following the ripples outward, we need to hold the abuser accountable for his or her actions AND we need ensure that when he or she returns to the community has the resources to integrate safely back into that community. This has been a huge failure in our society, especially when the person who abuses is a child or adolescent. But to ensure safety for the victim, the abuser and the community we need to understand the risk factors and protective factors of those who abuse and how to create effective safety plans for abusers, families, institutions and communities. How many of us have taken the time to understand those who abuse — especially the children and teens who abuse? I believe that it is through this understanding that we can learn how to protect those we love. If you have not looked at the research or talked with someone who works with sex offenders, then consider taking on that responsibility.

Where to find it? Some great places to begin are the NSVRC fact sheet, the Center for Sex Offender Management and the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Abusers. I also co-write through NEARI Press a monthly fact sheet about adolescents who are sexually abusive that highlights the most current research.

Continuing to follow the ripples outwards, we, as bystanders, need to look at our responsibilities to help our communities heal. I have heard so many stories where people who do something, even just acknowledge a survivor's experience 40 years later can have a huge impact on healing. Unfortunately, there are very few models and resources for community healing and this is critical to our movement. If we can imagine and safely implement a variety of responses to sexual abuse that range from prison to lifetime probation to returning safely into job, home and community we will empower the community to keep ourselves and our community safe. We are not helpless in the face of sexual violence. But to do this, we need to have a VERY different response to:

• a 12-year old who sexually abuses a younger sibling or
• a 15-year old arrested for sexting or
• an 18-year old convicted of statutory rape after consensual sex with his girlfriend or
• the 25-year old who is downloading child pornography or
• the 30-year old who rapes his girlfriend or
• the 40-year old who sexually abuses multiple children.

We also need to be sure that our response is both immediate and long term. To me, this is the role that bystanders need to take on. We feel the impact and can affect change for years after the abuse is perpetrated. We are not helpless in the face of sexual violence and we need to stay involved from the point of prevention, through a disclosure of sexual abuse to a place of healing in the community. There are a few models of this kind of accountability and safety in the community, but they do exist. If you have not yet read about Circles of Support and Accountability or the incredible response of the First Nation of Canada in Hollow Water, please take the time to read about these.

I know you know this, but if we accept the fact that we all are affected by a sexual assault then we also need to take on the responsibility of finding a path of safety for everyone in the community. If we, as bystanders, stay connected to the victim, the abuser and everyone in their families and circles of friends then ALL of us are safer.

Please take the time, today, this week to try to challenge yourself to be a more active bystander. It might mean reading some of these resources or choosing to offer help to someone at the supermarket checkout line. Robert Kennedy said "Few of us have the greatness to bend history itself, but each of us can work to change a small portion of the events and in the total of all those acts, will be written the history of our generation."

With the words of Bobby Kennedy in mind, I know that together, we will make our homes, communities and society a safer place for those we love.

Warmly,

joan

This post was adapted from an original blog post for the National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC).

Alan D. Berkowitz is internationally recognized as an expert in bystander behavior and as one of the founders of the field.  His work was the inspiration for the RESPONSE ABILITY Project and has led to his receiving five national awards for his work and scholarship on sexual assault and drug prevention, social justice issues, and bystander behavior.   Alan offers workshops and trainings on bystander intervention research, theory and skills.  His work and articles can be viewed here.

As any parent would, in this moment, be confronted by this situation, Karen found herself now in the middle of something she didn't quite know how to handle.  She certainly had what I call "the urge" — the urge to do something, say something.  And, I applaud her for not simply doing what so many parents do when they hear of bullying — nothing.  She actually couldn't do nothing.  As I mentioned already, she has been engaged in this conversation about bystander behavior through her familiarity with the RESPONSE ABILITY Project.  She simply couldn't walk away. 

While I will certainly share with you what I said to Karen and what she did, I want to first share a blog post I came across today that actually made me think of Karen and her situation.  The post is entitled, "When the teacher is the bully" by Jessica Kelmon.  The post appears on a really great website I will be citing from time to time in my posts, GreatSchools.org.  I highly recommend you visit this site, especially if you are a parent.

Now, back to Karen.  I simply coached her as I have coached thousands of people over the years — to get in touch with what she already knew to do.  She really did already know what she had the urge to do. However, she was experiencing a common, raw emotion:  fear!  Fear was taking over and telling her that she really didn't know what to do.  And, yes, fear is a raw, human emotion we all have rather than something we we will one day, someday conquer.  We spend our lives resisting and pushing back fear — thinking that one day we will no longer experience this dibilitating phenomenon.  Yet, here's the secret: we never will.  We will actually go to our graves having fear.  Every single one of us. 

Rather than taking this fear with us and doing what we know to do, we sell-out on that urge using an arsenal of reasons, justifications, explanations, excuses and rationalizations.  We carry these with us to give ourselves permission to do nothing, say nothing.  Yet, we know we can't settle for them — we know that we can't be our authentic selves and let these reasons win. 

So, I told Karen what I will tell you now:  acknowledge the fear along with the reason, explanations, etc. that you are using to let fear win, and take action anyway.  Acknowledge fear for what it is — just fear — and then go beyond that fear to take the action you most likely know to take regarding the situation. 

If you are familiar with The Three Tools from the RA Project, you know that the first tool is IDENTIFY.  The second tool is GO BEYOND. And, the third is TAKE ACTION!

Karen did just that.  She identified the problem of bullying by the teacher.  She went beyond her fear and all of her reasons.  And, she took action by going to talk to the principal of the school and letting him know of the problem.  And, as a result, she is a hero for those children, including her own daughter.  She took a risk, went beyond the barriers that would have stopped her, and took actions to make the difference.  And, I know that Karen would tell you if she was sitting here with us, "It wasn't easy." 

No, it's not easy.  Yet, it's very simple.

As websites such as Facebook, Twitter and Google+ continue to flourish, the development of online communities and conversations have become very important to organizations, companies and other entities with a body of supporters.  Understanding "the beat" and gathering instant feedback positions an organization to respond in a way that keeps its biggest supporters engaged. 

With this beat come the cyber idiots who instantly have a larger audience to influence and the perception of anonymity that comes with an online profile.  As an administrator of a few social network communities, I've had to address the cyber idiot a few times.  When I first began administering the online communities, I was told by many peers that reactions to cyber idiots from other community members would "self-police" the community.  While this happens sometimes, I have found the opposite to be true the majority of the time.  The actions of cyber idiots are usually not confronted.

So whose responsibility is it to confront a cyber idiot?  Or even a cyber bully? I would argue that both the members of the community and the online administrator(s) bear the responsibility to tackle the issue. To minimize the negative effect, and even harm, that cyber idiots can have on a community, the following five steps can be used as a guideline for fellow community members and online community administrators.

A 5-Step Plan to Address or Confront the Cyber Idiot

1) Pick your poisons — Online community members and administrators must know the audience that is engaged online in a particular community.  The predictability for successful confrontation with cyber idiots decreases as the size of the community increases.  It increases as the loyalty of the community members increases.  For example, confronting a cyber idiot within a community of 20,000 members of the same fraternity is much easier than facing a cyber idiot within a community of 35 million Justin Bieber fans. Also, it's important to carefully identify the comments that should be addressed.  Remember, free speech is free speech.  Comments that you do not agree with do not merit confrontation.  On the other hand, comments that offend and are harmful to a community should be addressed.

2) Don't fuel the fire — Whatever you do, do not fuel the fire by responding harshly or sarcastically in a public manner.  This is tough to do, but resist.  Odds are, the cyber idiot is looking for an argument and wants other community members to be his audience.  More eyes = More influence.  A better approach is to...

3) Send your thoughts privately — Both community members and administrators can take this approach.  The message is a little different depending on the author, and a message from a fellow community member is more effective than from an administrator. Nonetheless, both can be effective. 

For example, a sample message could look like this:

Dear _____, I am a fellow member/administrator of the _____ online community and wanted to respond to your most recent comment in regards to ______.  I understand that everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I have to admit, I was taken aback by your comment.  I would encourage you to learn more about _____ by visiting this link _____.  Also, there are many opportunities to learn more about the progress of the organization by attending ______.  As a fellow community member/administrator for ______, I am obligated to lookout for the well-being of the community and help create a positive experience for fellow members.  I'd encourage you to call me at _______ if you want to chat through things. 

4) If the problem persists, confront publically with class — As with any type of confrontation, if a one-on-one confrontation does not work, you may have to show the individual that there are others who feel the same way.  Sometimes, a private message will not stop a cyber idiot/bully from furthering his agenda online.  If this is the case, he might need to see that there are others who do not appreciate his comments.  This approach can be effective if done right, but detrimental and very harmful if not.

An individual community member could simply post, "I do not agree with _____'s comment." Hopefully, this will cause others who feel the same way to "like" or further comment in support  of your comment.  You've given those who are less likely to confront the individual the  opportunity to support  the comment's opposition in a way that does not continue an argument.

For community administrators, this approach is a little riskier.  Some argue that administrators  should let the conversation play out with its members.  While true, I also believe that  administrators have the obligation to stick up for the truth and well-being of the community.   Once again, it's all about approach, and a cool, calm and collective one will reassure community  members that you stand firm for the truth and the well-being of the community.

5) Remove him when necessary — If all else fails, the administrator is better off removing the individual from the online community than letting him continue to have a negative effect.  Of course, this is only possible when a member of a group or listserv (not possible on general Facebook posts).  When doing so, a message should be sent to the individual who is being removed explaining the reasons for the decision. You've given the individual the opportunity to change his behavior and have held him accountable for not reacting to this request.

Simply put, we all have the opportunity to become an Every|Day Hero to others by confronting those who deliberately try to ruin our online experience with our favorite organizations, companies and brands.  Ignoring the cyber idiots and bullies of the world will ultimately dilute the value of our online experience and possibly cause harm to others.

Steve Good is the Founder & CEO of GrassrootGive, LLC and is the Director of Communications & Iron Phi for Phi Delta Theta International Fraternity.  You can learn more about Steve here.

Being Bullied

• Comes home with damaged or missing clothing or other belongings
• Reports losing items such as books, electronics, clothing, or jewelry
• Has unexplained injuries
• Complains frequently of headaches, stomachaches, or feeling sick
• Has trouble sleeping or has frequent bad dreams
• Has changes in eating habits
• Hurts themselves
• Are very hungry after school from not eating their lunch
• Runs away from home
• Loses interest in visiting or talking with friends
• Is afraid of going to school or other activities with peers
• Loses interest in school work or begins to do poorly in school
• Appears sad, moody, angry, anxious or depressed when they come home
• Talks about suicide
• Feels helpless
• Often feels like they are not good enough
• Blames themselves for their problems
• Suddenly has fewer friends
• Avoids certain places
• Acts differently than usual

Bullying Others

• Becomes violent with others
• Gets into physical or verbal  fights with others
• Gets sent to the principal's office or detention a lot
• Has extra money or new belongings that cannot be explained
• Is quick to blame others
• Will not accept responsibility for their actions
• Has friends who bully others
• Needs to win or be best at everything

In order to see or hear these warning signs, you must be present and aware of what is happening around you.  And, be prepared and ready to take appropriate and timely actions to intervene against bullying.  

We have seen so many situation involving bullying where someone needed a hero — someone to notice the warning signs and take the actions to keep the child, or even adult, safe and protected.  

Note: this valuable information is part of the StopBullying.gov website - you can find more information there.  

It's important not to be a bystander. Hear me loud and clear.

But — like most things — refusing to be a bystander and confronting others should be done in moderation and with the use of your good judgment. If you confront absolutely everything you see that worries you, you will officially become your organization's biggest pain in the ass.

And nobody likes a pain in the ass.

People go out of their way to avoid a pain in the ass.

When you see someone smacking around his girlfriend, getting ready to drive drunk, skipping a week of class, doing drugs, not paying their part, stealing your professor's Adderall, sporting a culturally or racially-insensitive Halloween costume, urinating on the chancellor's Mercedes, hooking up with a serial killer, or wearing polka dots with stripes — OK, confront right now. Seriously bad decisions require immediate confrontation.

When there's danger — when your gut tells you it's a crisis situation — you need to act.

Somewhere in all this talk of bystander behavior, though, some have begun to suggest that immediate confrontation, regardless of the circumstances, is always the right thing to do. Confront every single thing you see that you think is wrong, they say. Your conscience and your mouth must simultaneously engage. I respectfully disagree.

Don't become that person who confronts anything and everything, all the time, on a moment's notice. Ask yourself, at what point does becoming a superhero in the fight against bystander behavior make you a pariah? At what point are you rendering yourself completely useless as a leader because no one wants to be within 100 feet of you, lest they be confronted about something?

Pick your battles. You can't confront absolutely everything, and nor should you. Plain and simple. If you've gotten to this point as a leader, then I hope you have some measure of good judgement. Use it.

If something is scary or terribly wrong, act immediately. If it's an annoying pattern, you might want to pick your moment, and it might be after you've spent a little time strategizing about the best way to approach things.

Most of the time, confrontation as a leadership skill is not an impulse behavior.

Do not misunderstand me. I'm all for confronting the smaller things, too: continuous silly lies, missed deadlines, burping at the dinner table, voting Republican. I had an intern who yawned with an uncovered mouth while I was talking to her at least once a day, and something finally needed to be said.

But you don't go off half cocked every time something annoys you.

Oh, and definitely don't become one of those people who feels the need to turn every difference of opinion into a huge confrontation. Delivering a self-righteous lecture about values every time you don't agree with a group decision makes you annoying. Demanding to know why you weren't invited to someone's birthday party — in the name of "refusing to be a bystander" — makes you pathetic.

Learning to confront, and refusing to be a bystander, is an important leadership lesson. Knowing how to use good judgment, however, is an even more important one.

Note: this post is a re-print from TJ's blog — you can visit it here.

The Penn State scandal has resulted in the departure of top officials of the university — including Joe Paterno, the larger-than-life ex-coach — under the logic that they had a legal or at least a moral obligation to move forcefully to stop the alleged sexual abuse by former coach Jerry Sandusky once they knew about it. But now the spotlight has been turned back on the man who brought the alleged abuse to light — former assistant coach Mike McQueary, who allegedly witnessed the abuse. Many are asking, "Why didn't he do more himself after he blew the whistle and the powers-that-be failed to follow through?"

It is fair to ask the question but people should not to be so quick to rush to judgment because anyone in McQueary's situation might have reacted the same way he did. We all would like to think that, had we been in McQueary's shoes, we would have made sure the abuse stopped immediately. But the truth is that a lot of us are just like Mike McQueary and would have acted — or failed to act — in the same way that he did.

It's very easy for us to sit back and judge, but some of us need to come off our proverbial high horses. It's sad but true that, in the aftermath of McQueary allegedly witnessing Sandusky performing sexual acts on a boy, McQueary was simply being a human being.

Most of us find it difficult to confront unfairness, injustice, abuse and other mistreatment that we confront in everyday situations as bystanders. That is why the RESPONSE ABILITY Project is launching the Every|Day Hero Campaign, a program designed to empower the everyday hero in all of us.

The goal of the Every|Day Hero Campaign is to empower people to do something about improving conditions they encounter in everyday life. We are all bystanders to certain situations that call for our attention and our actions. In those situations, we must take a risk and act. We must do something — or at least say something. Yet, too often, we do not.

Participants in the Every|Day Hero Campaign pledge to act or at least speak up in situations in which they confront behavior or actions that demand their intervention. The best way to make this world the place we want it to be — that it could be — is if everybody had the mindset, "I will be a hero." It could mean urging someone with a drug abuse problem to get help, intervening when a friend is drinking too much, or making it your responsibility to make sure justice is done when you witness abuse.

Acting in these situations is not just a matter of making us feel better; it can prevent tragedy. Text messages I have received from people attest to this:

• There was a boy in high school that I knew that was bullied a lot that I did not take part in, but I still didn't stop it. He just committed suicide two weeks ago and I can only think that if I had intervened maybe one friendship would have stopped him from taking his own life.
• This past May, I was at a party and witnessed a girl being date raped and didn't know how to respond, so I tried to ignore it even though I knew it was wrong.
• My friend had been talking about trying drugs, and a week later he was found dead by his parents from an overdose.
• I was with a group of my friends and we saw one of our other friends getting beaten by her boyfriend and none of us said anything about it.
• I allowed my best friend in high school to do drugs and didn't tell him to stop or even try to, and now he's in Florida in a rehab center because he can't stop using because his addiction is that bad.
• Two boys started to harass me after school one day. They grabbed me and started to drag me to their car. I was kicking and screaming and no one helped me. The boys were whispering that they were going to rape me and I begged people around to help and they didn't even look my way. They only stopped when someone honked up the block.
• This summer, my best guy friend killed his girlfriend who was my best girl friend. He had said things like, "I'm going to kill her" or "I'll kick her ass if..." I thought he was kidding and I never took it seriously. But now I feel like I could have done something to stop it. I have horrible survivor's guilt and don't know what to do.

I have many other text messages like these. They are examples of human beings not acting even though they wanted to because they were afraid of the consequences. It is not just the fear of being physically harmed ourselves, and even when that is a possibility there are safe ways to intervene, like contacting police. But, more often, we are afraid to speak up or to intervene because of the fear of our friends and family being judgmental. We go along with the crowd because it's easier than speaking up.

Mike McQueary was acting more like the rest of us than we would like to believe. But, as the text messages show, there is a price — to individuals and to society — when we fail to do or say something.

With training and encouragement, however, we can establish the mindset that it is everybody's responsibility to act. It is something we can — and must — do.

Let's face it, there was a reason the military sought to keep sexual orientation private. It's the same reason many gay and lesbian Americans choose to stay in the closet — too often, people who are different are victims of bullying, ridicule or worse from co-workers, classmates and other peers. The military is no exception to this sad fact of human nature.

Ultimately, what this repeal does is allow all service members to serve with dignity and honor. This solution, the repeal, is also to expose and deal with this sort of harassing behavior, so ending DADT is absolutely the right thing to do. But the military must make sure that gay military members being more open does not result in them being more open targets.

Now I'm sure some people reading this will think, "You can't legislate morality," or some other such bromide that prompted DADT in the first place. No you can't change people's hearts by changing a policy. But if most of us believe in doing the right thing — and I sincerely believe that most of us do — we can bring the rest of us along.

That is why the RESPONSE ABILITY Project is launching the Every|Day Hero Campaign, a program designed to empower the everyday hero in all of us. Ending DADT offers a perfect opportunity to put the principles of this initiative into practice, and a good example of why they are needed.

The goal of the Every|Day Hero Campaign is to empower people to do something every day for improving conditions they encounter in everyday life. We are all bystanders to certain situations that call for our attention and our actions. In those situations, we must act. We must do something or at least say something. Yet, too often, we do not.

Participants in the Every|Day Hero Campaign pledge to become an everyday hero and to do at least one good act every day before they go to bed at night – something that will make a difference for someone, an organization or an issue. The best way to make this world the place we want it to be — that it could be — is if everybody had the mindset, from the time they wake up, 'I will be a hero today.' It can simply mean smiling at somebody because they're having a bad day. Or it could mean urging someone with a drug abuse problem to get help, intervening when a friend is drinking too much, or speaking up when someone harasses someone because they are different.

It is not just the military, of course, that needs everyday heroes. As I write this, there is a story in the news about teens at Urban Prep Academy in Chicago who say they're being chased, harassed and even robbed as they walk to and from school. The students — who wear uniforms that suggest discipline and respect for authority — clearly distinguish them from the neighborhood thugs harassing them. The students say the thugs taunt them for being too smart.

I'm sure that these thugs are far from the best that this neighborhood has to offer and that they bring as much shame to the neighborhood as they do pain to the school. But how many residents take the attitude that it is their responsibility to do something about the situation? Whether it is a resident calling the police when they spot trouble, a parent keeping track of his or her child or a business offering a teenager a job, everyone can do something.

Changing our attitudes and behavior is not easy, but people can be trained to do it. That is why the military offers such a good opportunity to lead the way with the ending of DADT. Soldiers are highly accustomed to the concept of getting and following training. Leaders of the Armed Forces did prepare personnel for the ending of DADT; however, I think they can go further. While they have done specific bystander intervention training regarding sexual assault, military leaders should institute this same specific training to prevent harassment of gay personnel. And, in the meantime, service members can simply use what they already know from the training they have had and apply it in all situations.

This training would fall on fertile ground. Honoring our country is a mindset deeply ingrained in the military, but what does this honor look like? I argue that we best honor our country by treating one another honorably. In the era following "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," the military has a golden opportunity to show us how this can be done.

It really is that simple. And, yes, I am clear — it’s not always easy.

I recently spoke at the University of Kentucky to all the new members of the fraternity and sorority community. To encourage engagement and participation, I have live texting during my keynote presentation. Well, the next day I looked at my iPad and saw that a woman in the audience from the night before had sent me a text. It read:

"I'm Sharon from the University of Kentucky. I just got home and I just led two girls from getting raped. Your story really hit home to me cause I was molested when I was little. I'm looking out for anyone who needs me now. Thanks!"

Then, on the very same day, I received this Facebook message from a student who came to hear me speak last spring...

Dear Mr. Dilbeck:

I hope all is going well with your program and I hope to speak with you soon. To be honest, tonight was my best night as a member of my fraternity and I owe a lot of this joy to you.

I was removed as assistant pledge master for halting an all night event (clearly hazing). Of course I was not too happy, but I know that I was removed simply for having values.

Tonight, our pledges were assigned yet another rock paint (they paint our logo on a rock, then the brothers come and scream at them). This is a chapter tradition. I drove by and put myself in their shoes and remembered how hazing made me feel last year. So, I did what no brother has ever done and got out and helped them. I have never had so much fun. Obviously, doesn't seem like a big deal, but an action.

For the first time, pledges felt OK to address their woes to an active member (me). I was told, "I want to do exactly what you did tonight to the next pledge class." I was hugged too many times!

Of course, the active brothers weren't too happy. I got a message from the pledge master telling me I am a cancer to this fraternity and that I am a "gross piece of shit and I hate you." Brotherhood huh? We have chapter tomorrow, and I don't want to even think about what's gonna happen.

To be honest, I don't know if this would have happened if I hadn't met you. I do not know the fate of my future in my fraternity but I know that I intervened when wrong was being done and resisted the urge to be a bystander. You, as one single individual, have not only empowered me to stand up for what is right, but 19 other students who now know more about brotherhood than anyone in my fraternity.

Please keep doing what you are doing and, again, thank you so much. What you do is helping."

So, needless to say, I was thrilled and so inspired to get these messages. And, I am clear there are others out there who are making a huge difference.

These two students — and so many others — really are everyday heroes.

No matter your age, your gender, your roles in life or your financial status, you deal with bystander behavior in one form or another.  Intervening in this type of behavior is not easy. The most popular question Mike gets following his keynote is, "How can I intervene — how can I take action?"

Intervening effectively is a skill that requires practice. An intervention is possible when you want to respond firmly, are in a position to impose boundaries or consequences or when you want to address the behavior in a less confrontational and more educational fashion.  The skill is called a confrontation and the latter response can take one of two forms: by shifting the focus or by shifting the person.

Confrontation

It is often necessary to let someone know that their behaviors or remarks are not appropriate and will not be tolerated. This is important for setting boundaries, creating safety and imposing consequences. If you are in a leadership role it may be your responsibility to act as an enforcer in some situations, and even if you are not, you may want to respond to the situation firmly. An intervention of this type can be called a confrontation. There are many models for an effective confrontation. In a confrontation, you let the person know that you are concerned about their behavior and how it is effecting you, and — if you are in a position of authority — that you are willing to impose consequences. This can be done briefly, in the moment or can be part of a longer discussion.

Shifting the Focus

When someone makes an inappropriate remark or engages in inappropriate behavior, it may be possible to “shift the focus” away from the remark or behavior. This can be done in one of three ways.

• Ignore the remark or behavior — or leave
• Shift attention away from the remark or behavior
• Reframe the remark more positively

Shifting the focus is a way to not enable or participate in a remark. And, it can diffuse a situation for the moment.

Shifting the Person

The goal of "shifting the person" is to help someone understand their motivation for making a remark or engaging in a behavior and to help them understand why it is problematic so that they will be less likely to engage in it in the future. If we confront someone habitually, they may learn to avoid acting in certain ways in front of us or change their behavior due to fear of punishment. "Shifting the person" can be effective in helping individuals understand and change, rather than merely comply or avoid doing something in front of a particular person who objects.

The skills of confrontation, shifting the focus and shifting the person are all designed to provide more options so that we can respond to bystander situations in a way that feels better to and that are more likely to have a beneficial impact on the situation.

Note: Most of the above is excerpted from the book published by the RA Project and written by Dr. Alan Berkowitz.

Can this be any more blatant form of bystander behavior? As a matter of fact, a follow-up story today on CNN and CNN.com actually talks about the bystander effect with this situation.

So, read the story and let me know what you think. What is your reaction to this?

This is also generating a conversation about whether or not bystanders can actually be prosecuted. See the video here.

This is why I do what I do. This is why I created and produced the RESPONSE ABILITY Project. This is why I travel the country speaking to groups of people on this subject. I am clear that we all want to be empowered to stand up for what's right. This is all we want. We simply want to make THE difference. We want to have our values "run the show" of our lives and not the barriers that get in the way. If we can simply master the ability to get out of the way what's in the way, then we are free to take action.

I am here to wake us up to what's possible in life by standing up, speaking up and no longer tolerating the bullshit that goes on around us. So, we are either going to complain about it or we are going to do something about it.

Not too long ago, I was standing on a downtown street corner waiting to catch the bus. I see crossing the street and coming straight for me a very large man with a skin cap on his head (I think that's what you call what he was wearing). He proceeds to approach me and ask me for directions to the Red Line (one of the lines on the "El"). As soon as he asked me, he wadded up a piece of paper and threw it into the street. Basically, he littered and I hate littering!

So, I immediately said, "I won't give you directions until you pick up that piece of paper." To which he then responded, "Oh, dude — everyone does it!" To which I replied, "Yes, maybe they do but they aren't asking me for directions." He proceeded to pick up the paper and throw it in the trash about 5 feet away (please note how it would have been just as easy to throw it there in the first place). I then gave him directions and he went on his way.

This is a simple example of what it looks like to intervene. And, I didn't have to — I chose to. I chose — in that moment of time — to act from my values and not from fear. I went past my fears and "it's not my job to say something" to actually act. I let the words come out of my mouth to make a difference. There is one less piece of trash on the street and one person who may just think the next time he goes to do it again. Maybe he will and maybe he won't. Nonetheless, in that moment I got to know myself as someone who made a difference. Someone powerful. Someone courageous. And, I didn't need to change myself to do it — I actually WAS myself. My true self actually spoke.

Now, do I have something handled now? Do I have it all mastered to where I intervene every time I see something? NO! I don't. It's a practice I am taking on and letting myself fail and letting myself succeed at. Being yourself and standing up for what's right is one of the most difficult things to do. We are not trained to do this — we are actually trained to be bystanders in life — we have been highly trained! So, to go against how you are trained takes something — it sometimes takes everything you've got.

So, this is why I do what I do — so that you can know yourself as someone who lives from and speaks from and acts from your values. That you, too, are able to go beyond what stops you in life to actually BE who you are committed to BE. We are all powerful, courageous and extraordinary people out to make a difference. We don't need to change. There are just barriers and limitations to our own fullest expression of who we are. Our opportunity is to get those barriers and limitations out of the way so that we are free to express who we truly are — for ourself, for others, for our families, for our friends, for our communities and for the world.

Thank you for being an extraordinary, courageous and powerful human being. Now all there is to do is be the fullest expression of that in the world. This is your opportunity to be a MANIAC for what's right in life — for what YOU say is right.

Go for it — THIS IS IT!